Friday, May 19, 2006

don't mean to offend, but...

A friend of mine sent me this today... I don't mean to offend anyone but, I can't help it! It's just funny... Well, at least I find it funny after living 8 years in the UK and being taught that it is "petrol" that we put in our cars and not "gasoline", that we walk on the "pavement" not on "sidewalks".
Hope that I'll still be allowed in the US after this post!


To the citizens of the United States of America:

In light of your failure to elect a competent President
of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the
revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign
Majesty, Queen Elizabeth II, will resume monarchical duties over all
states, commonwealths and other territories (excepting Kansas,
which she does not fancy).

Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a
governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next
year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency,
the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English
Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium," and check the pronunciation
guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour', 'favour'
and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without
skipping half the letters, and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the
suffix "ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced
'burra'; you may elect to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you find
you simply can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you will be
expected to raise your vocabulary
to acceptable levels (look up "vocabulary"). Using the same
twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you
know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be
adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination
of "-ize."

3. You will relearn your original national anthem, "God
Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out Task #1 (see

4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but to be celebrated
only in England. It will be called "Come-Uppance Day."

5. You will learn to resolve personal issues without
using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many
lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or
carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be
required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will
understand what we mean. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect.
same time, you will go metric immediately and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which
you have been calling "gasoline") -roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you
call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on
calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips are thick
cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with mayonnaise but with

10. Waiters and waitresses will be trained to be more
aggressive with customers.

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer
is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will
be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as "Lager." American brands will be referred
to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine," so that all can be sold
without risk of further confusion.

12. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast
English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast
English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell
attempt English dialogue in "Four Weddings and a Funeral" was an experience
to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

13. You will cease playing American "football." There is
only one kind of proper football; you call it "soccer." Those of you
brave enough will, in time, will be allowed to play rugby (which has
some similarities to American "football", but does not involve stopping
for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a
bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not
reasonable to host an event called the "World Series" for a game which is
not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware
that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

14. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving
us mad.

15. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the
acquisition of all monies due backdated to 1776.

Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese

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